Invictus
by midnight glade
Summary: Have you ever wondered about Wanderers veiw of her body? Her thoughts and feelings on it? This is a oneshot writtern to show her character, who she is, and what she wishes she didn't have to do. Inspired by the ending of host. Rated T to be safe.


This has been nagging me for a long time, ever since I finished the book actually. I don't usually write angst but this was warranted by the amazingly bad ending of Host. I really don't think Wanderer would be happy in that body and this was the only other outcome I could think of, which saddens me. Ian was also acting phenomenally mother hen like and that got a little on my nerves. Wanderer is my favourite character in the book. A fantastic display of human nature. Of how something not inherently human, can be so much _more_ than the 'true' humans. I found her innocence, determination and forgiveness amazing and heart warming. She managed to be more human than any character I have ever read about, or any real life human that has ever existed. Her thoughts and feelings made the book what it was and helped me see past the none existent plot.

Invictus

----

I sat quietly in my room and Ian's.

I felt tired, so incredibly tired, like a part of me was permanently exhausted. My arms and legs felt heavy, as if they had never been used, or had been idle for a long time. A impossibly long time. A century.

It was this body. This useless body.

With its frail limbs and unstable mental state. Its tears and blushes at event the slightest hint of happiness, of fear. With its poor stamina, its unability to be useful in its near disabled state, it could never help anything. After a few minutes it weakened, after a few minutes it seemed to almost give up. Never continuing, refusing to comply with my wishes, the things my wanted, and needed. It was almost like I was lost, trapped, in a body I couldn't use. A body that never fulfilled my wishes, never gave concern or the slightest care to what I wanted.

A body I hated.

No longer was I strong. No longer did I have the sort of careless grace and power that Melanie had given me. The type of power than matched inexplicably with who I am, me the wandering Soul. A Soul that didn't suit being tied down. Forever would I live, thrive of off helping others, securing their happiness and further making them free. Like I had been. A freedom that I now missed with a intensity that surprised me. This silent mind was now my cell, the body my prison.

And it hurt, more than I had ever expected it to.

I new all about equality, the Souls had revelled in it, but it was somewhat different with humans. At first I merely brushed it aside, I had been happy to be looked after, to be loved. But at that point I had had Melanie's body and Melanie was still there, still hanging on. When I had gotten this body I had abruptly seen the difference, it seemed that I had gained a deep and powerful insight. As, despite everything, my body seemed to be so observant and I the Wanderer still found ghosts of the woman that was snaking through my mind. Through that, I had developed her opinion of every ones… over protectiveness? Yes, that was the word that had wormed its way into my mind. I found myself agreeing with the emotion that arose every time someone took a box of off mw and carried it themselves. Every pat on the head I found myself fighting a flinch.

I'm Wanderer. I have always been a respected Soul and I wasn't accustomed to this kind of attention, this kind of breach of equality. It annoyed me. I found myself getting angry with Ian when he made decisions for me, it felt like he was taking over my life. No Soul was allowed to govern another, only advise and comfort. A Soul was never expected to interfere with another Soul's life. Not directly, never to take over. It was frowned upon, it wasn't right. There was no bias to gender either, but humans seem to think females needed extra protection and it made Wanderer feel confused.

I'm Wanderer. Strong, independent. And oh so alive! Yet I find myself feeling stifled, almost held back, by something I can not seem to find.

That why I went to see the Doc, to ask him to do what last time he would not, except with a difference. One small difference.

I hung around at the door as I gathered up some of that elusive courage. That which Melanie seemed to have so much of. That I now seemed to lack.

He was there, thankfully, alone. I knew I would have to ask him straight away. The would be no turning back. I forced the words I wished I didn't have to say out of my mouth. They were the truth and I knew he would understand but I still did not welcome the pain and sadness I knew they would cause.

"I am unhappy."

He looked up at me with stunned eyes, searching my face for the emotions he knew would be there. The tremble in my voice gave me away.

"What?"

And so I told him. Not the obvious reasons, I didn't want to hurt him as those were personal and I didn't want anyone to know about those, but one much darker and one I knew he had no solution for. The one I often refused to think about.

" I am a thief. I have stolen this poor girls body. At first the guilt was …bearable, but day by day it grew. Now I can barley breath through the strength of it. First it was Melanie and now its her."

It came out in a whisper, a rush of words, and not even close to as much as I thought it would be. I wanted to tell him the state of my shattered heart, how every day it broke a little more as I realised I was taking this girls life away from her. And I didn't even want it! How could I explain that I didn't want another body, that another body would never be enough? Would never be me? I wanted to detail the unimaginable guilt I felt every day as I knew that, one day, this body would die and I would have to take another and another and another….where would it end? My friends would die and I would still be stealing bodies. Every time I spent time with Ian I felt guilt. Guilt because I was happy and the woman who's body I was inhabiting would never have the chance to live. To live _her _life. The life that was rightfully hers. From that one amazing moment she was born. Even if now she could never enjoy it.

There was no way that I would do that anymore. Nothing and no one could ever change my mind, ever would. I was determined to do this. How could I tell him that?

"Wanderer…what exactly are you asking?"

"I'm not asking, I'm telling, you will let me go!" She exclaimed, loudly than she meant to but she felt nerves get the best of her for a moment.

Shock and disbelieve flitted across his face and he said firmly " I will not let you die. You deserve this chance. This life."

"What about if I was still in Melanie. This girl has a family. Friends! How can you ever even hope to justify taking that away from her? Taking her away from them? She has more right to this body than I have. Than I will ever have. And don't even think about getting me another body! That won't make things better. No because I wouldn't even come to you then. I'd sort it out myself." I started of hysterical but as I spoke a strange sense of calm drifted over me. It felt weird.

"You want to leave?" the doc asked sadly, pain in his eyes.

"No. Yes. I don't know. But I do know that I'm leaving and that there is nothing you can do to change my mind. Nothing anyone can do."

"What about Ian, Melanie, Jared, Jeb, everyone else and…" he paused "Jamie."

I felt my heart break just a little more as I thought of my family, felt a whirlwind of emotion and pain fly around my mind as I imagined and saw their faces. All my memories of them flared and all the love that I had ever known ached for them. It hurt. It hurt so much. The thought of never seeing them again, of never speaking to them. It left me nearly speechless but I pushed down my pain, my hurt, with the selfless thoughts about my body, and the future bodies I would have. The future lives I would ruin. The pain of having to watch them die, as I moved from person to person, everything I touched falling to ruin.

Everyone I love paying a price I would never know.

And I knew my answer, even as I felt treacherous tears slipping down my face and realised I had been crying since I stepped into the room.

" I'm leaving." I whispered, putting all my pain, all my emotion into those single words.

"Will you at least say goodbye?" Doc asked, almost pleadingly and I knew what he was thinking. I knew what he was trying to do. What he was trying to get me to do.

"They would stop you and I can't afford that. Its better if they don't know for the time being." I the Wanderer whispered. "I will leave them something though. Tell them they can find it in my room under my bed."

"They'll kill me." Doc stated and I knew it was his final ploy, his final way of getting me to stay.

"Not if you tell them that if you hadn't done it then I would of tried." I whispered and as expected he recoiled in shock.

"Ok, I'll do it." he looked pained. Sad and hated doing this to him.

I gave him the instructions and then I lay down on the operating table, the cold metal biting my skin warning me of the seriousness of what I was about to do, and suddenly I spoke. My voice slightly cracked.

"Tell them I love them?"

I heard him swallow and knew I had hurt him more than I intended to and I knew that he had not grasped the whole meaning of those five words. So I spoke again.

"I love _you_ too." I said softly.

He tensed behind me and I heard him whisper.

"I'll miss you Wanderer. You were the best Soul I've ever known. Your more than a human. What we lack you have in spades. I wish there was another way for you to be happy. I'm so sorry."

As I faded into unconsciousness, I smiled even though the pain and the tears. Even as I felt my heart being ripped out.

It's going to be ok.

-----

_Dear Ian and Jamie and Melanie and Jared and everyone else that has helped me these past years,_

_I found this in a old poem book you brought back last raid. I can't explain what I feel in words so I will write this. Please don't look to far into it. Ask Doc about what I said to him as well. Don't blame yourself. I'm unhappy and it was nothing you'd done. I just can't stand to take another human life. All of you, your race, are an amazing species. Far from perfect, but so …real and alive in your faults. I wish for you to gain your freedom. I want to write how much I love you, but no words will ever be enough to describe it and I'm sure you know by now anyway. Live long and happy lives. Please. I love you and it hurts me so much to have to say goodbye. I am also sorry for the letter, I'm terrible at describing my feelings. I wish i could describe how much I am going to miss you. How much difference you have made to my live. To me._

**Invictus**

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

How charged with punishment the scroll;

I am the Master of my Fate;

I am the Captain of my Soul.

_I hope you understand._

_Love always, Wanderer_

----

Three hundred years in the future…

A Soul opened her true eyes.

The Wanderer had come home.

---

Please review. Love it, hate it. I don't mind. Sorry about my little rant at the beginning. I hope you enjoyed the story.


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